24.2.12

Enjoy Writing | Oh My My My | Part 1

i had a dream last night,
i dreamt that i was swimming
and the stars up above,
directionless and drifting
change of time - josh ritter
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On October 31, 2005, after a fun, flirty and busy night at a church harvest festival (we all know that church's don't celebrate Halloween!) I came home and rolled up into the corner of our couch. "I'll get up in a minute… Just a minute…" and I promptly fell sound asleep for the night. I fell asleep and dreamed the most memorable and emotional dream I've dreamt thus far. The dream was a delicate and heart-throbbing story about myself and a tall boy named Brian. In my real life I did not know this "Brian" I was dreaming of, he was a fictional character in my head, a combination of my imagination and David Beckham. Brian was tall, tan, slow-moving and kind, simple and precious, quiet and a little shy, fiercely loyal and undeniably smitten with me. The dream had this blurry, water color, sun-in-your-eyes, water splashing, nighttime shadows quality. I'd see flashes of Brian, I'd hear conversations we were having, I'd watch the two of us walking side-by-side and then we'd vanish, I'd see "through my eyes" until purple light blurred my sight and I'd also observe myself from afar - and this all occurred in no concrete setting, just rolling, abstract dream gloss. Sounds echoed as my relationship with Brian spun through my dream. "I do like you, Brian. I really do. I just… don't want to hurt you. Or I don't want you to think I ever led you on." "I know you aren't leading me on," he'd offer, as casually as one might order a milkshake. "I mean, if… If it…if this didn't… if maybe we weren't right for each other in the end?" "Well, that's the risk I took, the risk with a prize far sweeter than penalty bitter." "I'm so confused, though. I don't know where I'm at, or how I'm feeling. And I know you like me a whole lot. And I'm scared." "Take your time," Brian, at this point, was looking right at me and smiling, "Don't worry. You really can take your time. I know you'll come around. I just know it. I'll race you to the car!" The dream continued "through my eyes" and I remember just looking at him, wondering how he could be so calm. I was unnaturally fearful (at least I assumed this was not a natural part of dating) and I was a quivery, unsure wreck. How could he just sit there, gentle and unworried, steady and handsome? I had no concept of time as my doubts and his reassurances continued. Was this a big long conversation? Did this happen over several days? Several months? I did not know.

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Much like the closing of one movie scene to the entrance of another, the chatter quieted and the "screen" went black. The next scene transitioned to a bright and sunny land! There were cheery tall green trees all around, and water thumping in the background. A small red and white boat was tied to a wooden dock and it bumbled up and down in the easy movement of the lake. Or shore. Or riverside. Or whatever it was we were near. Brian was walking ahead of me, in a white shirt, and we were walking through the woods, following a path that led us down to the water. I could draw you the picture right now. Brian and I to the right, tall trees to the left and front, small window of water and sunshine greeting us in dead center, about 100 feet ahead of us. This was the first scene in my dream that was concrete, a real place that could be in our everyday world. Though I'd never personally visited this place before, it was finally a real place! No more hypnotic sludge!

And then it happened. That marvelous, mysterious, enchanting, famous it. I just knew. I knew. I knew. I didn't not know. I was clear. I was sure. I knew. I loved him. I loved him! I knew "where I was at." I knew "how I felt."  I knew. The mind that had tangled together the bow on his gift finally opened the box! "Ah-ha! This is what he's been talking about! He's known along!" The heart that was analytical and concerned had stormed out of her cubicle, un-knotted her bun, and was now running barefooted out the glass swirly-doors to a world of opportunity. "This is why he waited! This freedom and confidence and desire is what everyone has been talking about!" The person that was too afraid to feast for fear of never eating again, was too afraid to play because I might have to go inside at the end of the night, was too afraid to knit together what might have to be torn apart was now passionately fearless. I loved him.

As I dreamt on, I marveled at what had come over me at the peak of that path in the woods. My arms had become more like my waving hair, and the hairs on my neck had turned into outstretched arms, and my eyes finally took the place of my heart as I could now see, and my heart substituted with my stomach, because my stomach had a sleepover with my toes (and the tip of my nose). It rained inside me. It rained and rained on down. When the drops hit the bottom of me, they splashed back up into giant, warm waves. I felt like a jungle and a painting and circus and a queen. Loving him sent me to Mercury, with a pit stop to a lazy Sunday afternoon nap in a Georgia porch swing. Simultaneously still and wild, here and there, dizzy and yet finally thinking straight. I knew I had fallen for him long before this moment. I knew he had become "the one" through his patience, his reassurance, his confidence, his persuit. He had done nothing in that moment in the trees, just before the waterside, to win my affection (he was simply walking ahead of me, stepping over a log) but somehow it all came crashing down on me in such an overwhelming, instant and surprising manner.

Then I woke up. I immediately knew I had been dreaming. I slammed my eyelids shut and repeated my thoughts to myself over and over again. "Go back to sleep! GO baaack to sleep. You were only awake for a second. I know I love him. I didn't even get to say goodbye!" It didn't work. I lay there on the red and green plaid couch, feelings still alive and well in my body, tears tracing my eyes. You may think I'm being a touch melodramatic in my description. You might have that "Gross! I'm eating! This is not toothache sweet: it's cavity sweet. You're just a cheesy romantic with no concept of the real world" feeling. I tell you the truth: This dream was every bit as overpowering, emotional and sensational as I've described, probably more, in fact. I cried that November 1 morning because I missed Brian. I felt like someone had died. My insides throbbed. It was one of the strangest and rarest experiences of my life, and I was just 16. It remains one of the oddest and most thrilling moments I can remember. It was eerie and truly too emotional for what it was.

I wrote the dream down and I noted that I was certain I would have a "moment" with that sort of clarity whenever I met the one for me. I had a gut feeling that I would have a specific time I would say "Yes, this is when I knew I loved him." Over the years I made mention of the dream to only a select few people. My ears always perked when I met a "Brian" - in a bridal party, at Starbucks, at a church meeting. But for the most part I didn't think of the dream in my daily life. But when it came to mind it was always as vivid and clear as the moment I dreamt it… (to be continued)

10 comments:

  1. Melt. I'm my phone and text/type almost as good as a gramma, otherwise this comment would be realllllly long. Let me just say, the hopeless romantic in me just about died of sweetness andcuteness and oh so dang love.

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  2. This is very lovely! Your descriptions are awesome, I really enjoyed the scene where you begin to run in the woods, simply beautiful :)

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  3. Wow...can't wait for part 2!!

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  4. beautiful, lovely, gorgeous, sweet, i'm hopelessly in love. one week is too long.

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  5. Oh Kristen. Asleep on the couch. Crazy talk. ;-) -- Well written friend.

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  6. Wowsers. Kristen, I've been a blog stalker of yours for a looong time now. :P This was such a stunning post that I have to come out of hiding. :D
    "I felt like a jungle and a painting and circus and a queen. Loving him sent me to Mercury, with a pit stop to a lazy Sunday afternoon nap in a Georgia porch swing."... that should totally be a song. It'd be a beautiful song, one I'd dance to while doing dishes. One played at weddings. One with a sunny music video.
    I seriously can't wait for part 2. Maybe you should switch your fancy plan around and post writings on Saturday, too. :D
    Anyway, this was awesome. Thanks for sharing.

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  7. Oh, the hopeless romantic in me has tears in her eyes... And a to be continued? Not fair. This is such a wonderfully woven tale that I can't wait to hear more of.

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  8. k,
    i am a friend of jamie's and found this through her... your writing is very, very eloquent and powerful -- totally moving. "i felt like a jungle and a painting and a circus and a queen" will be replaying in my mind for days...
    this, and your engagement post, reminded me of that oh-so-amazing feeling of new love and being newly engaged... i adore them.
    thank you!
    xx.

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  9. I resonate with this -- so much. Vivid dreams, fears, how he "won your heart", etc.

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  10. Awwww, that was so sweet! I can't feel my toes.

    eve @ essence of eve

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Oh, you've made my day! Thank you for the thoughts and words!